In his biweekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
Here in The Lounge, we have addressed several elephants; taboo and often off-limits topics have been surfaced. Today is no different. I know that I have experienced this on more than one occasion. Whether it be in relationships (most prevalent), career paths, support networks, as well as been the culprit of treating others as such, it is never a good feeling to uncover that your value was diminished or dismissed in favor of “greener pastures”.
As you have heard me say, we live in a microwave society; an era of instant gratification exponentially exacerbated by the advent and adoption of social media as the primary vector for information and connection. Not that the platform itself is inherently bad. I was recently invited to a live broadcast to discuss the idea that social media has ruined relationships. Not to digress, but I believe this will help contextualize our conversation today. My stance is that we have been cheating and ruining relationships from the dawn of time (or at least the dawn of our existence). Social media has only made the views more accessible and the ability to interact with potential distractions easier.
This barrage of images, highlight reels, quasi-experts, influencers, and such has drastically revolutionized, as well as degraded our ability to think critically and analytically. This has also allowed us to decrease our ability to persevere and work through adversity. The moment we get uncomfortable, we simply move to the next best option. We have mistaken constructive criticism for condescension and accountability for attacks. These, among a myriad of other factors, put many people at a disadvantage and vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
We don’t like to hear this, but if someone is unsure about you, on the fence, playing the field, or just seeing what’s out there, they aren’t for you. Now you all may have an understanding of the dynamics and direction of the relationship, and I know firsthand that we all move at a different pace. Perhaps you are equally uninterested in something substantial and long-term. If so, well, you live with whatever becomes of those flings.
More often, though, one of the involved parties is looking for something more and settling to wait until the other person gets on board. You believe that if you hold on long enough, they will see your loyalty and commitment. However, do not be disillusioned. If you are seeing minimal to zero effort to move toward a common goal, you should reevaluate what is happening. Too many times, we are looking through the lens of hope than reality.
You are not a placeholder, and if you feel as though they are waiting or looking for the next best thing, you need to have a conversation. Now, here is another unpopular opinion: let them go if they aren’t going to give the appropriate and reciprocal energy and effort. And let me say this clearly, THIS DOESN’T JUST PERTAIN TO MEN. I have seen and known plenty of women who want a good time, a bag, an image, and a lifestyle, not a relationship. So, we are dispelling the single-mindedness of that conversation now. There are unfulfilled and inconsistent people of both sexes. Regardless of your dating preference, pay attention and ensure you aren’t being used or manipulated.
Now, to those people who have no intention of seeing anything through, there are avenues to addressing the addiction that is the high of something new. Whether it be job hopping or continually pursuing a new person, the underlying theme is that you have an inability to see anything through, even when it is a good thing. The game is the only thing you can stay attached to. This isn’t a psychological assessment or thesis, but there are some underlying issues that working out and working through can prove to be beneficial to your overall quality of life.
You may not want to admit it, but there is a void or emptiness you are trying to fill. The problem inherent is that you are destroying people in the process. You know you have no intention of building a life with this person, but you are dragging them along. That is unfair to those people who believe in you. Transitioning to the career path, people who pour into you and invest time, sometimes money, certainly energy into supporting you, only for you to be flippant and indecisive is equally disrespectful.
You can make the change. You can do the work internally to bring you to a place where you no longer desire that “high” of something new. You have the ability to keep things fresh and exciting in any capacity and any interactions. That is a different discussion that we will table for now. Just know that you do not have to keep being someone who uses people to your own end or enjoyment. You don’t have to quit your job every time someone says something you don’t like, questions your conduct, or tries to help improve your performance or experience. If you genuinely dislike your career choice or path, make a plan and move professionally, but then commit to the next move.
We haven’t even broached the topic of leaders leaving people in interim positions, having them steer the ship and execute while waiting on a “more desirable candidate” to emerge. Something that can go on for years. I plan to discuss this soon because we have an entire generation of leaders, the old guard, as I refer to them, that purposely treat people as placeholders. They do this to justify lower wages, benefit inequities, and downright mistreatment. Again, we will get to you all soon enough.
No one deserves to be someone’s placeholder. It is not enough to simply know your worth, but to understand your value by enforcing boundaries. This may be as simple and walking away from unhealthy interactions and relationships. For those who are treating people as placeholders, you are part of the reason why we have so many traumatized, bitter, battered, and broken individuals. The disenfranchisement with systems, people, institutions, etc. is a direct result of them being abused and discarded. Let’s stop contributing to the downfall of positive social and professional structures and communities.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
