In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
The topic of closure has been something I have both wrestled with and something that has come up in recent conversations. I am unsure where the idea of needing closure originated, but we have placed too much power and responsibility for it in the hands of others. Understand that nothing you receive from the other person in terms of answers, explanations, or rationale will leave you feeling settled and better about whatever has transpired. You will simply have more questions, which lead to deeper self-doubt. Take, not only your power back, but reclaim your peace.
When a person has been slighted, wronged, hurt, or abandoned, the natural question that circulates is, “Why?” We feel compelled to try and figure out what happened, why it happened, what could have been done differently, how we could have stopped it from occurring. There is nothing wrong with this train of thought, especially when we are blindsided by an unexpected dissolution. We begin to question if that relationship was real, did they care, etc. The shock of the sudden change of heart or direction leaves us feeling empty and helpless, further justifying our search for clarification.
Let me pause here because there are those who pretend to be taken aback or shocked, when in fact, they are fully aware of their behaviors and hoped the other person wouldn’t catch on. Those individuals prey on the goodness of others, using and manipulating them, then playing victim when they are caught. I neglect to use the label we most often associate with these types of personalities because it has become over-utilized, broadened, and over-generalized on social media. Suffice to say that they are exempt from this examination due to their intentional attempts to control and demoralize others.
For those of us who are genuinely working on trying to become better, we have to understand that the search for closure is the breeding ground for unforgiveness. We become so focused on trying to find answers that this quest keeps us from the actual work we need to do. That is the effort put into letting go of the emotional attachment. We have heard the saying, “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. If you are unfamiliar with it, it simply means that holding on to the hate, hurt, anger, etc., is only destroying you internally.
As I previously stated, it is natural to want answers. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that you have a right to know. However, even with those things considered, you may still never obtain the information you seek. This is twofold because you may not want or like the answers you receive, so you are continuing to seek beyond what is in front of you. I am reminded of another saying that I have used before, which is, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” In the case of the search for closure, if you are fortunate enough to receive an answer, take it for what it is and move on. Again, this is if you even obtain some semblance of clarity from the other person. The other side of the coin is that you may never receive a response. You will be stuck wondering, wishing, and asking yourself hundreds of questions repeatedly.
This is where you can take control. Stop seeking “closure” and start seeking improvement. You can improve your health, your habits, your thoughts, and ultimately, your perception of the previous situation. This will yield great results and propel you into a place where the next opportunity to present itself won’t be overlooked, missed, or delayed. This is your life, and you no longer are required to allow anyone to disrupt your course your mind. You do not have to linger in the purgatory of being uninformed or lost. You can choose to simply stop giving that situation anymore energy. Closure happens when you decide you have had enough of yourself. When you are done being detached from the present, tired of being downtrodden, tired of being upset, tired of allowing someone else to control your thoughts and emotions. When you reach this point, you have come to the door of accountability and opportunity. You can cross this threshold and move away from what was into what will be.
I would never go so far as to say closure does not exist, but the belief that it will be obtained from someone else is misguided. Sometimes what we hear will only drive us further down a path that will keep us bound to the past and anchored to misery. In other instances, not knowing can be equally catastrophic to our emotions. In either case, it is the allowance of disruption that ultimately prevents us from shutting the book or at least closing the chapter on that part of the story. Do not let anyone else control your story. Pick up your pen and change the narrative.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
