In his biweekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
Before we get into this discussion, know that I am not advocating arbitrary, emotionally charged, knee-jerk, decision making. I am also not absolving you of responsibilities that you have to certain individuals. There is a way to protect yourself, establish and enforce boundaries with them. We will dive into that aspect later on.
One of the things society has made us believe, whether male or female, is that we are obligated to remain in situations. I want to mention here that there will always be consequences to your actions, so be judicious, deliberate, and intentional with your choices. Unless you are in an emergency, you should have time to weigh the pros and cons of your choice and do some long-range planning. The truth of the matter is that you have been on the fence for some time, so why not develop a strategy for improvement or exiting?
It took me a long time to realize that my life is my own in a mature context. Of course, when we are young and embracing our independence, we are becoming our own person. But these people are typically highly emotional, poor decision makers, and with misaligned priorities. We are looking for a fun time and not a long time, and this creates a mentality of escapism. We are always running from one thing to the next. However, that is deflection and dismissal; it has no structure, destination, or goal. It is simply erratic and chaotic movement for the sake of moving, irrespective of the impacts or implications.
I, like many, swore up and down that I was “a grown man” or a “grown a*# man” (apply correct terminology for women). However, I lacked many things that we have talked about here in The Lounge, with one of the most important skills being boundary generation and enforcement. The fear of being alone paralyzed me, and I know this to be true for many men and women, from standing up for myself. The fear of unemployment and its ripple effect kept me paralyzed and suffering, afraid to “stand on business.” The business of what was best for my mental health, which would be best for my immediate sphere of influence that included my kids. I was afraid of how I would be perceived by my peers if I changed my lifestyle. I continued to overindulge because it made me social and likeable, or that is what I believed. I remained, for a time, paralyzed by substances and numbing to not address deeper issues. You see, I was grown, but not mature.
Evolving into taking charge of your life, along with accountability, is realizing that this is the only life you are offered. Again, this isn’t the “YOLO (you only live once) reckless mentality but an intentional and deliberate transition that yields positive and sustainable results. You are directly responsible for your anguish, but also your joy. This next chapter is realizing that “no” is a complete sentence. This is not only for others but yourself. Tell yourself no to things that have been keeping you from growing. Say no to people that you have distanced yourself from who try to step back into your life. Tell yourself that you will no longer be a doormat or punching bag (in some cases literally and applies to both men and women). This is taking ownership of your now so that your future will be brighter.
This is a time where “everyone can get it,” and by “it” I mean a heavy dose of boundaries. You are not obligated to deal with people who make you feel less than or lower your self-worth. You are not obligated to converse with those who put down your dreams and thwart your plans. You must be unbiased: family, friends, spouses and significant others, colleagues, contemporaries, peers, leaders, and so on. No one should get a pass to disrespect, demean, condescend, insult, or bully you, especially those closest to you. People will try to guilt and pressure you to maintain the status quo, which is their preferred way of seeing and treating you, to continue to exercise their control over you. Do not let small-mindedness hold you hostage.
You are not property, and you have every right to make distinct and transformative changes to your life. You will not always be liked, you will not always be celebrated, you will not always have support. However, you will have peace, peace of mind, less stress, less anxiety, less physical issues, and an overall higher quality of life. If that means you can no longer associate with certain people, you aren’t obligated. If that means you need to make a career change, you’re not obligated to stay in that job (unless, of course, you have a binding contract). If your relationship has reached an impasse, you aren’t obligated to continue it. I will reiterate that all these choices have consequences, so try to make them responsibly.
I will leave you with the motto that one of my wolf pack brothers and I live by: “If you want a life you have never had, you have to do some things you have never done.”
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
