In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
Your best may not always be 100% effort, presence, thoughtfulness, or even attentiveness. Your best may only be all you can muster at any given time. Many factors inhibit and enhance where our bests may reside and how well you can give it. Attempting to give what you can is much better than not giving at all. Not even trying is unacceptable. Negligence is unacceptable.
One thing we know is that men have a lot on their plates. Expectations are high and reciprocity can be low. This is not exclusive to romantic relationships. We have discussed friendships that need to be re-evaluated, working relationships which can be one-sided, as well as being the culprit of these abusive and destructive behaviors and not just the victim. We are called to lead, but leading can be alienating and exhausting. The role must be filled regardless, and we often find ourselves operating at spiritual, mental, and emotional deficit.
This is not a “bootstrap” conversation. As I said previously, we are not obligated to just deal with stuff. However, a few things remain constant, with the most important being that you are responsible for your healing, rest, reset, and engagement. Though I do not subscribe to pouring into cups with holes in them, if you do not fill your cup, you cannot pour anything at all. It is not selfish to take care of yourself first. Where we often make mistakes is when we put ourselves first at the expense of others.
To clarify, the “others” I am referring to is your significant other, children, and those whom you hold close to you. That positive sphere of influence that you have found yourself a part of should not and cannot be neglected. They are an integral part of your overall wellness, success, and support. People you have committed to deserve your best, regardless of what numerical value you may apply to quantify that effort.
Dealing with people is difficult. Learning, unlearning, programming, reprogramming, compromise, adjustments, pivoting, and other adaptive processes are constant. They do not deserve your best because you owe it to them, they deserve your best because you owe it to yourself to deliver. Many of us look at what has transpired between ourselves and others and say, “you won’t ever get the best part of me”. I am no stranger to treating people this way. The problem is that my placement was incorrect. I did not show up for my partner or my children, or my parents, or my siblings. Doing the right thing is less about what someone deserves and more about the content of your character. Delivering your best despite what occurred is because you should.
I want to reiterate that I am not telling you to continue to show up for people who are only taking from you and never giving anything in return. As we have heard numerous times, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. Do not endure mistreatment, abuse, neglect, condescension, etc. In those cases, the person who deserves your best is you. Set, reinforce, and move according to your boundaries, ethics, and morals. As I stated in a previous article, when you are connected to the wrong people, places, or things, separation is the best way to show up. For you and those connected to you.
This is another component to your best we often overlook. When we say, “they deserve your best”, sometimes that isn’t direct action or interaction. Sometimes, that is indirect collateral protection because you made a decision that will help them more than you. Remember that your best may not always be directed at them but pointed in a direction that will serve their best interests later. Wearing your cape doesn’t mean you can always save the day, but you can always be a hero.
I can recall many days where there was nothing in the tank. I had no energy to run, jump, sing, dance, and play like I normally would. I could not show up for my kids in that way. However, we colored, read books, watched cartoons, or told jokes. I was able to give them all my 20% in a way that was meaningful to them. Likewise, there have been several times when I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to work out with my partner. I still got up, showed up at the gym, encouraged her, and did my workout, even if it was well below my normal level. I did not have 100%, but that is time together we both value, so those days my best is simply not quitting on her.
Don’t try to calculate it, quantify it, categorize it, analyze it, or interpret it. Show up every day for the people you care about. Give them all you can with what you have. Don’t use this as an excuse to be lazy and unintentional. Don’t use this as a “get out of jail free card”, or a justification to neglect and ignore them. No matter what it looks like, they deserve the very best of you.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com.
